Coming to terms with your loss
By Jo Price
Losing someone close to you can be a life changing experience. Until quite recently I had been living in the comfort zone. I had never really lost anyone close to me (both my grandparents had died when I was too young to understand what was happening).
The first thing that struck me when I heard about a friend being killed was a huge sense of denial I rang his phone constantly for the next few days hoping that this had been some huge mistake a cruel joke, he would answer and we would laugh about it together.
It was the day that I receive a text message telling me that my message had been undeliverable that hit it me and I broke down in a way that I had never done before. It was then that I realise I would never be able to speak with him again. I suddenly felt so guilty about all those times I had missed his calls as I believed there was always tomorrow to talk.
I didn’t realise until my friend died that the loss of a loved one was a huge fear for me. A few years before my friend passed. I lost someone else very close to me. This was not through death it was the breakdown of a relationship.
Looking back I guess the methods I used to get over this loss helped me heal the suffering I felt about the death my friend. I spent time with people who loved and understood what I was going through. I talked it through and the pain eventually became easier to live with.
The breakdown of a relationship is in many ways similar to the death of a love one. You have to find away to cope with losing something and have to find a way to rebuild yourself.
Every day is a struggle and for many people you never get over the loss you just find away to carry on the best that you can. The key points below helped me to overcome and live with my loss.
Recovering from grief is a life changing and life long process. Only one thing is certain – we all have to go through it at some stage in our life.
Acknowledge your loss:
This is that you should come to realise that grief is part of life and accept the reality of it. Denial is a defence mechanism. Cherish the times that you had with you loved one find healing in the fact that you had them in your life.
Allow yourself to feel the grief:
If you haven't stopped to grieve, stop and give yourself the privilege to grieve. It is ok to cry. Weeks after my friend had passed I saw someone who looked like him at the bust stop. My heart jumped and for a split second I forget he was no longer here. I broke down right there and then but it helped me to let it out. Don’t hold it in or it will destroy you.
Find a friend with whom to share your grief:
This should be someone that will have empathy with you but will also encourage you. Someone who can help you to move forward.
Understand that time can lessen the pain but not always heal.
Emotional wounds just don't automatically go away. You have to work at it. Although time can heal emotional wounds, they don't have to continue to be a burden. It is love, not time, that heals all wounds.
Look to see how others may benefit from your loss:
We should not waste our experiences, even the bad ones. By sharing, you help to heal the suffering cause by life’s challenges and help others to do the same.
Remember you must live your life the best way that you can.
Jo Price will be writing regular features on dating and relationship for The New Black.
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