By Kieron Blake
Editor’s note: Kieron Blake’s "You can’t have your cake and eat it" explores contentious and taboo issues that affect Black Britain. His work has been likened to the work of the late African American author E.Lynn Harris
It is available on Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/You-cant-have-your-cake/dp/1475188986/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335093856&sr=8-1
Saturday, June 9, 2012.
I have been with Michael for 3 years now, but I don’t think he is the one for me. I would have thought that now we’re back in London, things would have changed, but they haven’t. They have got worse. We argue constantly. I’m not sure if I’m in love with him anymore. I know he is sweet and caring, but he irritates me all the fucking time. He lets others decide his fate for him. What the fuck?! He supposed to be a man, not a boy. He supposed to take charge of situations. I know he isn't earning much or any money at the moment, but it would be nice if he could pay for me at dinner instead of going halves all the time. He should be taking me out shopping. Fuck it, I got my own money. He’s in his early twenties and he doesn’t drive. That’s loose. Can’t he see I’m not happy anymore? He bought me a chain when we first started dating. I don’t wear it anymore. I wear the chain that a real man bought me. My Dad bought that chain for me. Why can’t he be like my Dad? A strong powerful Black man is what I want. I know it burns him that I don’t wear the chain that he bought me, but he needs to fix up. All he does is smoke weed, play Playstation and make tunes with Jason. That’s something a ‘wasteman’ does.
Michael is lucky to be with me and he needs to recognize that. I am good for him. Who was there when he was going through his problems at uni? Me! He’s too up and down for me. I’m sure he’s suffering from depression. He needs to stop blazing and go see a shrink. I’m not even attracted to him anymore. He looks rough all the time. Going barbers once a month. He should be going twice a month like other Black guys. I can’t take the beard and his picky hair. It doesn’t reflect his beauty. He always says he’s ugly. When I ask him why he says that, he tells me his Mum told him that. I got issues with his Mum, but truth be told that I don’t say anything to him or her about it. I’ve gone off sex with Michael too. I don’t like kissing, but he insists on doing it. I know he is a stocky guy, but he has let himself go. I’m sure he’s getting a beer belly. I don’t like when Michael rides me. He’s too big for me in his size and his dick. I only like doggy and when I ride him. I just prefer it when he licks me out and I wank him. I love when he licks me out.
Michael is shit with money. It really pisses me off because of that. I don’t know why I haven’t finished it with him. I think he would switch if I dumped him. I think he would be in a state, where he might even kill himself. I just think it would be callous of me to do that to him as he’s such a nice guy, but maybe it’s the best for him…
The other night when Michael was out, my friend Ola came round to see me. We have been friends for years. I know he fancies me. Any way, I told him my situation. He said “leave him and be with me”. I looked at Ola with bewilderment. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I was numb and shocked. At this point Ola put his arm around me and kissed me. Maybe it was the wine and I was feeling tipsy, but I kissed him back. Ola whispered in my ear, “I’ve been waiting for years to do that to you”. I looked back at him gleefully. I know it would burn Michael if I left him for Ola. This is because Michael always felt Ola had fancied me for time, and because Ola is African, Nigerian to be precise. “Do you still hear from that Boob- boo?” Michael would say to me. Conversely Ola, would ask me “Has that waste Jamo got a job yet?”
West Indian guys can’t stand when West Indians girls go out with African guys. African guys treat their women better, are educated and more financially stable. Most West Indians guys are ‘wastemen’. If they’re not ‘blazing’ weed, then they are ‘shotting’ it. If they haven't got a job, then they’re making beats on the Playstation and eating fried chicken from the chicken shop. At the start of this relationship, Michael didn’t fit that criteria at all, but now he was fitting it quite well. Sod it, he needs to fix up. As these thoughts crossed my mind, I felt Ola’s hand touching my wet pussy. Suddenly I heard the key turning in the front door…
Blake was born in North West London in 1983 to Jamaican parents. He has
a first degree in Politics and Social Policy and enjoys playing
football and rugby. He likes reading, keeping abreast of current affairs
and travelling the world. He also likes to engage new cultures and
traditions, whilst meeting people from different walks of life. His
favourite authors are Andrea Levy and Nirpal Singh Dhaliwal, as their
books (Small Island and Tourism), inspired him to write.