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Apocalypse Now!

 

Britain has descended into an almighty row over racism; terrifying storm-force winds are battering the country; the heating in the www.72point.com office is almost unbearable; Carphone Warehouse have pulled their sponsorship of Big Brother, and the ‘doomsday clock’ has moved two minutes closer to midnight - clearly we are approaching the End Times.

 

Can it really be all Jade Goody’s fault? Is she the fifth horseman of the apocalypse? Would she even know how to ride a horse? She didn’t know that running a marathon actually meant running a marathon, after all. (From The Sun last year: “Panic-striken Jade Goody wailed “I’m dying, I’m dying” as medics helped her into an ambulance after her dramatic London Marathon collapse… The Big Brother dimwit had done virtually no training and gorged on Chinese takeaways, curries and beer in her training diet.”)

 

According to PR guru Max Clifford in The Mirror: “In future, when people think of PR blunders they will think of two people - Gerald Ratner and Jade Goody.” He also says she should have never gone into the house as she had ‘nothing to gain and everything to lose’.

 

Which is true. Cast your minds back, if you will, to the sheer unadulterated hatred that she inspired when first in the Big Brother house all those years ago - and then consider how she has somehow turned that around and become, to quote Caitlin Moran in The Times today, “Britain’s pet chav” with an estimated £8 million fortune. And now? Her PR person must be considering investing in a one-way ticket to Rio, because her client has just rendered herself utterly unemployable.

 

   Jermaine tries out a face mask

    Boys have to take care of their skin too, y'know

 

Remember Ginger Tim from Big Brother 3? Unfortunate chap who died his ginger hair black and said “Comprende?” far too much. He had to emigrate to South Africa because he couldn’t stand the public taunts once he left the house. And now consider the much, much bigger hole Miss Goody has dug for herself. Why did she decide to go back in? Why didn’t anybody tell her? What will happen to her now? So many questions. 

 

There’s something both horrific and compelling about the fact Jade, and her bullying cohorts Danielle and Jo, presumably have no idea what awaits them when they return to the outside world. If they aren’t smart enough to realise picking on someone on live television is a bad idea, it’s a fairly safe bet to assume they haven’t thought through the long-term implications of their behaviour.

 

My hairdresser Brad, a normally even-tempered man, told me last night, while snipping angrily away at my split ends, that ‘he would never raise his hand to a woman, but if he saw Danielle in the street, he would pummel her with rocks’.

 

And while the clearest way to register any anger you might feel over the girls’ behaviour would be not to watch the programme, who amongst us is going to be strong enough not to tune in this Friday when Jade and Shilpa are both up for eviction?

 

It’s also hard to remember, in the blizzard of wall-to-wall media coverage of Big Brother that has extended across the globe and even turned up in Prime Minister’s Question Time, that this situation is basically just three dumb girls picking on another girl on a TV show. And dumb girls pick on other girls all the time. It’s just that now we can SEE them doing it but are powerless to intervene. And we, as a NATION, are up in arms.

 

If one of the remaining housemates stands up to the bullies now, they will be awarded a KNIGHTHOOD at the very least. Come on, Dirk! That’s all you have to do to win! That’s all! That and beat Shilpa, because if my friends are anything to go by, many people will now be voting for her because they want to ’show her we’re not racist’.

 

And all Shilpa has to do is keep up that calm dignity that is serving her so well in the face of the onslaught of petty nastiness unleashed by the three witches Jade, Jo and Danielle. That or use the black belt in karate she apparently has (how cool is that? She could probably kill Jade with a single well-placed kick and she manages to restrain herself). Shilpa: Karate master.

 

Despite the fact that Big Brother will certainly get higher viewing figures in the wake of the racism controversy, this story doesn’t look like it’s going to go away any time soon - and it’s not doing much for Channel Four’s reputation… 

 

According to The Mirror:

“Channel 4 boss Andy Duncan gave a one finger-salute to a Mirror reporter as we confronted him about the gang of bullies and asked if he planned to put a stop to the pitiful spectacle inside the house.

 

Executives even refused to appear on their own channel’s news bulletins to discuss the cowardly abuse.

Presenter Jon Snow told viewers: “We asked someone from Channel 4 to come on but they declined.”

The National Civil Rights Movement accused Channel 4 of burying its head in the sand over the racist abuse and said it was clear for all to see.”

 

And who out there is going to step into the Carphone Warehouse breach and offer to sponsor the show?

 

Anyone? Anyone? Nope, thought not. My genius PR idea of the day is that a company should produce t-shirts with an image of Jo, Jade and Danielle on it and the slogan ‘I’M NOT LIKE THEM’. And maybe something like ‘SHILPA TO WIN’ on the back. I’ve got the copyright on that. Contact me if you’re up for it. Let’s make some money from public hatred.

 

We’re standing on the brink of a second nuclear age, according to the doomsday clock, (no, really - CNN reports: “The world has nudged closer to a nuclear apocalypse and environmental disaster, a trans-Atlantic group of prominent scientists warned Wednesday, pushing the hand of its symbolic Doomsday Clock two minutes closer to midnight…”) so we should make hay before we never see the sun again. I’m half serious, actually. This is what Jade Goody has driven me to. I think I need a holiday.

 

Pictures:The Bollywood Actress Shilpa Shetty (main) and Jermaine Jackson of the Jackson 5 fame (Courtesy of Channel 4).

 

With thanks to 72point.com

 

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